Let me take you on a journey of the life of a girl, lets call her Rehmat, who is born to a Pakistani family which is normal is every way. Rehmat is born in the 21st century. When she was born everyone congratulated her parents that Allah had blessed them with “His Rehmat”. Rehmat is in every girl of our modern day Pakistani society.

As a child she was loved, & cared for by everyone inside and outside her family. When time came for her to go to school she cried like any child, but made loads of friends… days became years, Rehmat studied hard and put all her might in her studies seeing the dream to become someone someday.

Today Rehmat has graduated with good grades and she thanks Allah for having blessed her with education, she wants to study further someday but she doubts it. All through her life she has seen her parents through the joys and sorrows, at times there was abundance of money, sometimes there was shortage but through it all she was taught gratitude, values, lesson of life, advice of wisdom and experience of elders.

Rehmat, just like any other girl did at sometimes feel like she had to sacrifice a little more than her brother, but she consoled herself saying he was the breadwinner of the future and had to take on more responsibility in the future so it’s only right that he make the most of what the family can offer now.

The beginning years of her 20’s were the hardest on Rehmat, there was always the factor of her marriage in everyone’s mind. Sometimes she wondered if anyone ever thought she was worth more than a wife to be. Now it was like she was getting a crash course in becoming the ultimate wife, daughter in law, mother. The lessons of wisdom given to her throughout her life were revised so often it made her dizzy. But she stayed humble, “its only normal”, she said. Her friends are making their careers, so is she, she’s got a job. After all it’s the 21st century! Women hold equal rights as men.

Then one fateful day Rehmat is blessed with the proposal of a lifetime, literally! She’s asked to dedicate her life to one man, his family and his needs. Rehmat is nervous but she knew this day had to come. It wasn’t love, but she saw all the qualities of the image of the life partner that every girl sees, smart, earns well, has a home and is well bred, his family seems warm, and most importantly my parents seem satisfied.

The date is set for the year’s end and there are tons of preparations to be done. Her family was never that well off but she never realized it as severely as she does today. It seems like there is always an acute shortage of income, even tough her brother is earning and father also gets his gratuity. Gold prices are soaring but mom insists on making her new gold sets, she kept saving all her life for Rehmat, made some jewellery but all that seems less now, we need more to be able to ‘keep her happy in her new home.’ There are dresses to be made, embroidery to be done and the wedding dress of course! It has to be the right color and nothing inexpensive will do, we don’t want to look tacky! Furniture needs to be bought- hold on she asks her parents, doesn’t the groom’s house have furniture? Her mother looks annoyed. Don’t say rude things like that, you should know better now just choose which bed set, dinning table, sofa set, drawers, seating arrangement, curtains you like best. I’ve packed the tables’ clothes and bed sheets, your father will bring the new mattress, pillows and “bistra’s “later. Rehmat is uncomfortable with all this happening. Is she going to some abandoned home where they have no furniture?

Over the coming months the groom’s dresses, watches, shoes, undergarments, the jewellery for her mother in law and sisters in law and her brother in law’s wife is also bought. So are Rehmat’s kitchen appliances, (toaster, fridge, oven, crockery, 2 dinner sets, and countless over small things). The washing machine and TV are bought on the loan money taken by her father, and he took another 10 lakh Rupees for extra wedding expenses. House guests are usually coming over, which increases her mother’s responsibility of serving everyone.

The formal “date setting day comes”, Rehmat’s whole in law family is here and their gifts are piled and then laden in their car. It is decided that the wedding will take place after two months, on Rehmat’s 23rd Birthday! Her friends giggle with excitement, “it’s the best birthday girl you will ever receive Rehmat!’ they tell her. But she is not sure, for the last 6 months she has been fighting with her mother over the expenditure and what her father took such a big loan for her wedding. “Don’t be silly this is our duty! We are doing it with our heart, we want you to be happy and we don’t want anyone to say you didn’t bring anything from your home when you are wed off”. She spent countless nights crying in her bed, helpless at her father’s so called responsibility, her mother’s health that seemed to make her older with the burden of her wedding.

Her brother spends days outside running after the tent and catering preparations, its all just so ridiculous and expensive to her. She is given an INVENTORY of all the things that are going to go with her, it includes everything from her comb and makeup, jewellery clothes to her bed and other furniture. Her to-be-husband’s gifts are packed carefully in another suitcase, his suits and shirts and sweaters and watch and perfume. Her mother and sisters in law’s 5 special dresses and 30 other female and 30 male dresses are packed in other 2 suitcases. Their jewellery of course is with Rehmat’s mother kept safely with the sets, bangles and rings that are meant for her, to be gifted on the wedding day!

“Rehmat my darling, why are you making such a big deal out of this, this is our duty, and we are happy, this is for your happiness in your home”, her last argument with her father was unfruitful. They had sold her mother’s jewellery that she said was excess, her father’s loan was hanging on his old shoulders that seem more hunched than ever, he managed to put up a brave smile with tears in his eyes, tears he said were because he was going to be away from his baby girl, and she cried heartily in his arms, she felt like she had ruined everything- she didn’t want all this, but she was meant to have it anyway! It was tradition, part of the culture, part of what was expected of a new bride! She was going to enrich the groom’s destiny with good fortune they told her. But all she could see was she going to enrich his home! It wasn’t his fault; he didn’t ask for it, it was just part of the culture!

First the Mehndi Night function with the singing dancing and eating then on the wedding day everything went well, their parents welcomed everyone, she sat on the stage filled with anxiety, her heart pounding like it would come out any second, her Nikah was read and she cried because her life and responsibility was transferred to a new man now. She wasn’t just her father’s daughter, she was a wife now. She was sent away with blessing and tears; she felt numb what would happen next.

It’s been 2 years since Rehmat’s wedding, she is happy in her new home with her husband, in laws, child. All is well ALLAH blessed her.

Sometimes when she is free from her new responsibilities, she cries in secret, she misses her parents, she wants to meet them, but she dares not to see them very often. Her father is still repaying the loan he owes, her brother is helping him, and her mother doesn’t feel well most of the time. She wants to go and stay and take care of her for all of eternity, wash her feet with her tears and serve her, but she has responsibilities now, she can’t abandon them for long. The last time she went to her old home, she had a huge argument with her sick mother, who had gifted her 3 new dresses for the season. Rehmat took them reluctantly, she wasn’t allowed to refuse it was Custom! This is was story of her every visit.

Today, I am Rehmat, and so is every other girl in our society, we are Muslims yes! But these so called Customs have plagued our society for so long and still continue to do so because no one is ready to let them go. When a girl is born she is Allah’s Rehmat, she is cared for and loved and pampered, but when she is wedded she leaves behind a legacy of debit and takes with her all the things that are meant to keep her happy in her new home. I ask this simple question, “Where in the Quran, Hadith, Sunnah, is it written that a girl rob her parents of their nights sleep in order to wed her? Where in our religion is it said that a girl with no fortune when she is wed is a curse?

I feel like this curse is a doom for girls in the generations to come, the society has chosen to hide behind the phrase “for the girls happiness” in order to hide the term Dowry.

We call ourselves Muslims? Was Pakistan made on the teaching on Islam, I doubt that! If so, then why is a girl’s marriage a burden in an astonishing majority of our households? When will the time to change come? Who will change these hideous customs? Are we the generation of the 21st Century? The only forward incentive we seem to be making is that of adding to the list of commodities a girl needs to take as her Dowry!

Please don’t make girls want to rethink some day why they were born. A daughter is a Rehmat; don’t make her a curse by tagging her parents with the weight of her Dowry and in the end proving the wrong statement that a daughter is nothing but a burden!